A TASTE OF MY OWN MEDICINE

Where did I go wrong? I did just what I do.

I looked deep into his eyes and serenaded him, 

Bittersweet melodies piercing all the way to his core. 

He stayed, imploring song after song. 

He kissed his fingertips and pressed them gently to my forehead. 

I faltered, 

But I retaliated with a note so sweet and so delicate that it stung. 

He smiled with a kind of beauty that doesn't even belong here 

And placed my hand over his heart. 

I won! I had his beating heart in the palm of my hand!

But while I was busy celebrating, I didn't even realize... 

He walked away with mine. 

CRACKING UP

Have I changed?

I don't know. I guess I've always felt it inside me. Somewhere. There was this part of me that stirred sometimes but I couldn't put my finger on where it was coming from. Every time it stirred, it felt a little more specific. Like getting sensation back after nerve damage. At first, there's nothing, then maybe you can feel a touch but the location is vague, but eventually as healing takes over, you start to realize where the touch is coming from. It was like that. I went from thinking I was where I was supposed to be to feeling that I was not. Really, I just went from thinking to feeling. I stopped trying to trick myself into accepting what I had and tell myself it was enough for me. I started listening to that something that was stirring inside of me, asking for more. Asking to be let out. Asking to be accepted. At the time, I didn't even realize that something was me.

I wanted more. I wanted to be let out. I wanted to be accepted.

Breaking out of a mask like that isn't easy. It was solid and well-built. It had cracks, but still needed a lot of pressure from the inside to start really coming apart. Little by little, the pieces started to fall and when they hit the ground, they shattered. The noise was so alarming sometimes that I was caught off guard, frightened, tempted to stop. Preserve what was left. But what good is half of a facade?

The feeling of fresh air on my skin is amazing. Turns out it was stuffy inside that mask. And that stirring? It has turned into full freedom of motion. I'm no longer limited by the thick porcelain walls of the doll I had so carefully become to protect myself from the vulnerability of soft flesh.

And the freedom... the freedom is both exhilarating and terrifying.

LUCKY ME

She insisted, "You've got the figure of a supermodel!" No, I don't. "But, you're so tiny and perfect!" 

Tiny? Yes. Perfect? Hardly. So you want what I have? Well, first we'll have to kick in your chest. Smash your heart and lungs. Carve scars across your ribs. Break and reshape your breastbone so that it hurts to sneeze for the rest of your life. Just a little. Straighten the natural curve out of your spine so you can never get your posture right, no matter what you do. But just think, you'll look so thin and perfect! You can walk around with your head held high knowing you're the envy of other girls! Just like you envied me.

I hate it when she says to me, "You're so lucky!" You're right, I AM lucky. Lucky that I can walk up a flight of stairs and not be winded. Lucky that I can finally run more than a few yards. Lucky that I don't pass out every day like I used to. Lucky my surgeon didn't retire before I found him. Lucky my heart won't give out at 45 from beating too fast. Lucky I learned the precious value of health early so I can take care of my body. 

I spent every day of my young life wishing I had a body like hers. A body that worked. Lungs with room to fill with air. A heart that beat the way it was supposed to. Ribs that were strong and round and protected all the delicate organs mine crushed. So stop telling me I'm lucky because it's an insult. You'll never understand how lucky I truly am. Normal bitch.

WHY ME?

I mean myself no disrespect, I really don't, but just for a second, lets

be brutally honest. There are millions of women in this world who fit my

general description. And of those, millions yet are prettier than I am. Younger,

with shapelier asses and bigger, more perfect breasts. With beautiful, soft,

flawless skin, not a blemish. Breathtaking with or without makeup.

                                    Women who have no reservations when it comes to a man. Who will

                         do things in bed that I won't. Who make sex a sporting event like no other.

                   Who don't need to fall for you before they'll give you what you want. Who don't

                           mind your shallow intentions because they want the same. And are better

                                       at it anyway. And more womanly. More beautiful. More accessible.

So why ME? Why do you go out of your way to convince me to fall for

you? To give up my heart for you? When in the end, all you want is my body.

An imperfect one at that! Riddled with flaws, scars, weakness, limitations. Strength.

Why waste so much energy on me when someone else will offer you more for

less? LEAVE ME ALONE! I didn't ask for you. I was better off without you.

LOVE SUBLIME

In the clouds. 

This is the stuff that only dreams are made of. 
Intangible yet tangible. 
It is you. These clouds are you, my love. 
I can see them, they're right in front of my face. 
Every time I walk toward them and get to where they were, 
I look and there's nothing there, they're further away again. 
It's like they invite me and then they pull back. 
You invite me, I can't just not walk into you, but then you're gone. 
Like evaporation. 
Further away, I can still see you. 
But I can only keep tabs on you when you're out of arm's reach. 
When I get too close, you vanish into a mist that I can still feel, 
But it's nothing like the invitation. 
What are we doing here? You know I love you 
But I don't want to call it romantic because then we're failing. 
As friends, 
We're only failing some of the time. 

YOUR WINGS

You see the butterfly in me. You say I flutter through life touching lives, pour my heart into winning hearts. You think I use my own sweetness to bring out the nectar in everyone around me and do it all with ease, gliding lightly between the flowers of time.

You say it all so nonchalantly, not even noticing how effortlessly you lift off.

As the distance between us grows, you’re quick to say you knew I’d fly away, only I’m right here. Watching as you rise on the breeze. Didn’t you know? No, you didn’t even feel yourself changing. That’s because they’ve always been there. I admired them right away. It’s hard not to notice such a magnificent creature. No, sweetheart, I didn’t trick you. You were always looking straight ahead, it wasn’t until you turned to see me settle in beside you that you glimpsed the wings. Surely they were mine since you hadn’t perceived them before. Only they weren’t.

And now you’re off. I knew from the beginning I couldn’t hold you down, knew you couldn’t fight against your nature any more than I could fight against mine. I knew better, but I couldn’t resist the impulse to reach for you once. Now, as I look at the brightly colored dust on my fingertips, as you try out your delicate wings, we both realize I left my mark. It was innocent enough, but neither of us will ever be the same.

HARD LIKE ME

I hate that part of me...

the part that's soft,

the part that's naive,

the part that lets emotions run things and gets its feelings hurt,

the part that trusts without proof,

the part that's suspicious of everything it trusted.

If I could cut that part out, I'd be unstoppable!

Zigging and zagging,

maneuvering through the jokes, the lies,

the manipulations and misrepresentations,

scoffing at any attempt to throw me off my game.

Scoffing at any attempt to veer me at all.

Even if it's just to stop and smell the roses.

Who needs roses when you're hard like me?

Certainly not me.

I won't even notice that I miss them,

that would be one of those emotional reactions,

and those aren't happening any more. 

I won't even notice that you're standing there smelling roses by yourself.

The part of you that lets emotions run things

got its feelings hurt.

Not mine, I didn't let you veer me.

Who needs you when you're hard like me?

I do.

Dammit.

HAD TO FLY

It tears me up inside that I'm...

not torn up inside

I broke a heart that

wasn't mine

I should be hurting

but I'm fine

It tears me up inside that I...

didn't really try

that I just had to

say goodbye

I found my wings and

had to fly

It tears me up inside that...

I tore you up inside

Did I have the right

or was it just our time

Or am I just a fool

selfish blind and cruel

Was the day I walked away

the day that you were saved

from the heartache and the pain

of a poorly written game

You might be glad to hear that I've...

lost my share of tears

I'm not as fine as

I appear

it's been a

rough three years

You might be glad to hear that I...

live in constant fear

that my chance has

disappeared

that I could ever

find love here

You might be glad to hear that...

I'm still dropping tears

THIS DARK

I thought we had something there. Like a poet whose verses found their way into my imagination, your words touched my thoughts. I created scenarios with you. I toyed with you in my mind. I wanted to toy with you in my hands, but not so fast. Easy does it. There’s no use rushing when tomorrow holds just much promise as today. Maybe more. Tomorrow holds the possibility of two hearts finding each other. This darkness tonight is too thick. Hands can find each other, lips can find each other, a breath can find a listening ear, but a heart can’t find a listening heart. Not tonight. Not like this, in the heavy darkness, warm with gravitational forces. No… not so fast.

If I give you tonight, what will I have for you tomorrow?

More of the same?

No room to expand?

No, not like this. Let me toy with you some more in my mind. Let my hands be idle. Let them wait. Tomorrow will come. When this night is over, there’s another one right behind it. It holds just as much possibility as this one… maybe more.

Would you take tonight?

Impose the limit on what tomorrow has to offer?

Admit that your heart isn’t looking for a kindred in the dark as long as your hands can find one?

That’s not my dark. My dark is rich with possibility. My hands can wait until my heart wraps around another and the brilliant heat of it ripples through me. For a moment, I thought it might be you. I really thought we had something there. I guess we didn’t. Make that I’m glad we didn’t because my heart doesn’t want to bump into another haphazardly and cling to it like they’re both afraid of the dark. No. My heart isn’t afraid. It only wants to reach out to another heart that’s reaching back. Let the electricity build so that when they make contact, it gives off a spark that illuminates the darkness.

But that spark isn’t here tonight. This dark is too thick for that. It holds no possibility for us. You and I are not ready to share a dark like this. This dark is mine and mine alone. You’ll have to find your own.